This one tells his good friend, the reader: what follows is full of rage and hate, expressions of dire depression and horrific anxiety that strangled this one for most of his life. ma’hab felt like this much of the time between long periods of pain and boredom, and he has been very candid over the past year with his good friends on S4H about his suffering. He regrets saying a great many things during his episodes/attacks and would not wish such a state upon anyone. Nothing here is censored, so do not go further if you are of sensitive disposition.
BRAIN DESYNC MODE
I think I’ve finally grasped a bit of smoke here; I better write it down before I drop it from the waterfall of thoughts in jugglable form.
My current name for a… what shall I call this heart-rending pain? A state of consciousness? Awareness? A step towards insanity? (Only a mild exaggeration. Mild.)
All I can tell you, is when I am in this state of being, everything (and I mean everything, from my thoughts to my sensory input/outputs, to my speech [which becomes slurred and I use all the “wrong words” when trying to talk to others and so forth; I probably sound both mentally retarded and drunk]) and ability to walk or do chores…) feels wrong. Incorrect. Bad. “This is not how life/universe/everything ought be.” “A great disconnect between myself and all else, greater than ‘normal’, especially with myself in some unfathomable, indescribable manner.”
All my “self-meditative techniques” I use/not-use to try and stay “sane” so I can “face life” and “get shit done” (sorry, I really can’t nail the sky here, I don’t know the right words to communicate this experience) seem to have the opposite effect, except when they do, sometimes, but not always. I become “hyper-self-aware” that everything I am and am doing and am thinking and am sensing and am interpreting is BadWrongIncorrect. And when I am “locked in” to this mode, with no known method of “escape” or “relief”, while I’m at my job…
I’ve only the vaguest ideas what’s “triggering” this “state”. Almost always has to do with pressures from time (OSHI- I GOTTA GO GO GO, DO DO DO, GET THIS DONE NOW NOW NOW, I AM SLOW, I MUST HURRY!! and if I don’t I’ll run out of daylight / be late for work / not get to the store before it closes / etc.), a thought out of nowhere about some terrible unrelated (or more often: related) experience involving where I’ve been burned (usually socially: being bullied/harassed/ignored and feeling helpless and worthless because of it, because I’ve never learned/was-taught how to deal with it in the “correct way” that doesn’t get me in trouble with authority figures [parents, teachers, bosses, cops, “salesmen”], for as I have learned, no matter what social hierarchy I find myself in, others can walk all over me and if I even give a mean facial expression in return, I’m the one who gets punished! The attacker gets away scot-free, whereas the defender is punished. [How dare you not know your place you beta male POS!! seems to be their message to me; WHY DO YOU THINK I’VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE JUST PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND WATCHING ANIME!?!?]), blah-de-blah.
Another big thing that seems to trigger this: trying to “juggle” all the “life tasks” coming at me, even the basics like “I have three hours to get the following done: boil tea for tomorrow, bake bread, get my work clothes clean, go to the store and back, fix bike… where do I even begin?! I’ve only these three hours to try and not need any Self-Meditative Techniques to begin fighting the ‘grasping vines’ of my mind and trigger Brain Desync Mode etc. etc.”. Being an adult, who lives alone, SUCKS. Having to deal with my own dysfunctional, probably-mentally-ill “inner world” while trying to keep sync’d or “interfaced” with the “outer world” makes just all these basic tasks much, much harder than I see pretty much everyone else deal with adulthood. Maybe they’re all drugged up on alcohol and anti-depressants or something.
I’m sitting here wracking my brain trying to allude to (as unlike painting, I for the life of me can’t figure out how to tell others what’s going on [especially myself!]) what is going on what I feel/think/act while gripped by Brain Desync Mode. I cannot for the life of me do so, I’m sorry. I’m apologizing to myself more than anyone else.
By the way, the first person who suggests “talk to a therapist/doctor/etc” is getting an Internet bitch-slap. If you know me, how I’ve been burned my whole life by such useless creatures as doctors and therapists in the area of my mind/emotions/social-sphere/etc — and I’ve told you guys (and everyone else) over and over and over — then you will know why. Please, keep your hands off my Berserk Button.
By the way.
Yes, I do indeed perpetually live in terror of the shadow of Brain Desync Mode.
• Did you think I spent almost my entire waking life staring into a glowing rectangle playing video games, watching anime, making stupid videos and Photoshop thingies and writing blogs and doodling Dungeons & Dragons monsters (and other “creation thingies”), and shitposting/trolling on 4chan and other image boards and other forums, and so forth, for fun?
• Did you think all my effort in finding and sifting through all sorts of music (especially heavy metal, which speaks to my inner feelings of hate and horror the hardest [oops, I’m revealing my edge-tard teen-goth here! so sorry!! I’ll go back to Hot Topic now.]) to try and influence and “latch on to” music that speaks to my feelings, and speaks to feelings I wish to experience via proxy/catharsis?
• Did you think I hopped aboard the Health & Fitness Lifestyle because, like, this stuff which is let’s be honest here: totally not me (even though it’s pretty fun and fulfilling, I guess…) was “calling to me” or something?
• Or any other attempt at “finding myself/fulfillment/accomplishment/get-away-from-feeling-like-a-stupid-worthless-waste-of-a-human-being” like trying to learn the Japanese language or having a successful YouTube channel or DeviantArt page or some other e-celeb nonsense that might allow me enough cash to quit sinking 60-90% my waking life into my god damn stupid job that does not fulfill me, does not “allow” me to “find myself/etc” or do what I “want to do with my life”? Especially when this kind of “not-computer/social situation dealing-with/” is my #1 trigger for Brain Desync Mode???
• What, exactly, do you think I was searching when ever I clicked an hour-long Alan Watts monologue on YouTube, or read a book full of Zen Buddhist Koans and Taoist “poetry”, or cracked open the fucking Holy Bible?
AN ESCAPE FROM BRAIN DESYNC MODE.
Get why I hate life & living so much now?
But then who knows?
Maybe all this is just something as “mundane” as Asperger’s/Autism, with a dash of Manic-Depressive Bipolar Syndrome. And I just need to find somebody who can properly diagnose and treat me.
BECAUSE OF MY CIRCUMSTANCES: GROWING UP IN POVERTY, IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, BEATEN AND BULLIED BY DAD (SHAKEN AS AN INFANT, IN FACT, BUT THAT’S TOTALLY MY FAULT AMIRITE GIEZ?!?!) AND KIDS AT SCHOOL AND KIDS AT JOB, AND MY CHOOSING TO BE A PUSS-BAG AND “LETTING” THEM “GET AWAY WITH IT” CUZ I’VE NEVER BEEN SMART ENOUGH TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DEAL WITH IT, ET-FRIGGAN-CETERA,
I WILL NEVER GET THE HELP, THE TREATMENT, I’VE BEEN SO DESPERATELY CRAVING AND REQUIRING MY ENTIRE LIFE JUST SO THAT I MAY FINALLY GET MY CHANCE TO SHINE, TO GO FROM ZERO-TO-ONE, TO QUIT BEING A SAD CUNT CUZ LIKE I CAN BE A SICK CUNT IF I WANNA BE AMIRITE GUIEZ?!?!?!
BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE MY “SYMPTOMS”, EVEN AFTER SUFFERING THEM MY WHOLE LIFE,
AND WHEN I TRY, THEY JUST TRY TO WRITE ME A SCRIP FOR BETA-BLOCKERS OR SOME OTHER BAND-AID-ON-BROKEN-BONE BS AND SHOO ME FROM THEIR OFFICE
OR WHEN I TRY TO TALK TO “NORMAL PEOPLE/NEURO-TYPICALS/ETC OTHER MENTALLY/EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY INDIVIDUALS”, IT’S EVEN WORSE: THEY GIVE ME THE DEER-IN-HEADLIGHTS STARE, USUALLY FOLLOWED UP BY “HAVE YOU TALKED TO A DOCTOR/THERAPIST?” (SEE ABOVE; GET WHY THIS IS MY BERSERK BUTTON NOW?!?!?!?!), AND/OR CONDESCENDING UNHELPFUL NON-ADVICE LIKE “YA JUS GOTTA BELIEVE, MAN!” AND “HAVE YOU TRIED NOT BEING [WHATEVER YOU ARE/HAVE]?” AND VICTIM-BLAMING AND SO FORTH, AND/OR THE MOST INEXPLICABLE: GETTING ANGRY WITH ME AS IF I WERE ACTING HIGH AND MIGHTY SOMEHOW: “OMG HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU’RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN US, SOOOO DIFFERENT FROM ALL US ‘NORMIES’ AND ‘MUGGLES’ YOU FUCKING PRICK” AT ME, AND/OR TO TELL ME “OTHERS HAVE IT WORSE”, IMPLYING THAT BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLES’ LIVES SUCK, THAT MAGICALLY MAKES ALL THE PROBLEMS I’VE BEEN RANTING ABOUT HERE GO AWAY LIKE AMIRITE GUIEZ?!?!#$?@$t?@y$ *sound of me bashing my head on a brick wall*
DO YOU SEE
DO YOU SEE NOW
CAN YOU UNDERSTAND NOW WHY I 99.99% OF THE TIME ELECT TO MERELY KEEP MY BIG DUMB MOUTH SHUT AROUND PEOPLE LIKE >>>YOU<<< BECAUSE EVERY TIME I REACH MY HAND OUT TO PEOPLE LIKE >>>>YOU<<<< YOU SPIT IN MY PALM AND TELL ME TO juz bee myslef xD xD?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
My belief, based on the long, long, long string of life experiences I am alluding to in my prior paragraph of this whole rage-rant/sperg-out (as I am currently talking to, I assume, are primarily “normal people” about this, this right here is yet another episode of the television series of “Eric tries to get help from someone, anyone, and then the above paragraph happens”), is a big fat NO.
You’re welcome to try and surprise me, but I am 100% convinced that I am beyond help. Why? Scroll up and re-read that which I described in great sperg-out/rage-rant detail in my first paragraph way up above…
But I’m not looking for help. Not this time. I just wanted to catch these thoughts/feels before the smoke-waterfall of my thoughts/feels drowns me and I failed to get it down “on paper” $K^@J$%^QWK$^QJW whatever I’m done, I’m going to work, see ya!