buddhism as psychotherapy

Though I may never reach “enlightenment/awakening” in this life, if instead of crossing the river I end up making this a houseboat, at least I can try training my brain to result in becoming less of a neurotic, self-conscious, sorry sadsack most the time so living sucks a little less, then maybe I can get back to bodybuilding, learning Japanese, and so on with less triggering of my chronic depression & anxiety…

worship the chinese goddess yao chi

A short summary of events:

1) Last Wednesday, had biannual tooth cleaning. While waiting to get a tooth pulled, with a huge cavity that was too late to fill so it was either root canal or pull. And I had maybe a dime-sized lump of pain for almost a month prior.

2) Thursday morning, wake up to a golf-ball-sized lump full of pain. Call dentist, get back in, get put on amoxicillan.

3) For the next five days, dutifully take amoxi; it does nothing, lump grows to half a tennis ball, I look like those cartoon grandmas, even breathing hurts.

4) During this time have cycling accident. I barely feel it because the pain in my jaw is that intense; my entire shin was drenched with blood and I gave not one whit as I was walking back to my work building (it happened after clocking out and leaving) to go clean it and ask someone for a gauze bandage or something when one of the security/EMT people spotted my bloody leg and was all <em>AW HELL NAH!</em> and brought me to the medical room to doctor me up while I filled out an injury report.

5) Yesterday I call dentist again; they put me on penicillin. In just a day and a half the lump is roughly the size of a quarter and it no longer hurts to just open or close my mouth fully.

6) But now I’m really noticing the pain in my knee from the cycling accident; grunting and straining with ache just standing up or sitting down, can’t walk without limping and wincing. Also, the penicillin is giving me splitting headaches so I can barely bike to/from work with any effort, have to go slow or else the exertion will make my head pound like a jackhammer. It’s always somethin’.

moar emo candyassery

Jaw still swollen and painful with abscess (hurts to talk, hurts to chew, hurts to breathe), visited another dentist for a different kind of anti-biotic once my current batch runs out along with another supply of norcos, had my first accident on my trike last night and scraped the crap out of my left knee, don’t have inner tubes (I apparently bought a bunch of the wrong size last time so I ordered a batch of more and need to wait until they get here) so I have to walk to/from work today and possibly tomorrow too (because almost every time I “repair” an inner tube it goes flat again and I don’t know why, maybe I just suck) and I hope I didn’t bend the rim or anything; considering all this on top of all my other interrelated such-and-so’s (eg obesity, insomnia, foreveraloneliness, “probable asperger’s/autism”, born and raised in poverty and abuse…), it is as the Buddhists and many others (from cartoon and video game characters to my scholarly sister) say: life is a bitter ocean, life is sour, life is a burden, life just absolutely sucks.

feels good to vomit

Spewing nasty rancid thoughts on blogs and forums then just chilling for an hour or two does a lot to take a load off the mind and make one feel better! Still popping painkillers like candy, still slathering almost as much cold-hot cream as mustard on hot dogs, but maybe I just needed to sit quietly and do nothing for a while to calm the nerves for the first time in almost a week.

Sucks that the MRI is going to cost $100 up-front and who knows what other bills I’ll get in the mail a month or three afterwards, but eh. Better than buying a limited-edition figurine of a cute anime girl I guess.

riding ever onward

Dropped trike off; chain stretched (I JUST GOT THAT FIXED A MONTH AGO FOR $40) and something to do with the pedals; this could cost me anywhere between $25 to $150 and I’ll be walking to and from work who knows how many days; who can say if walking or cycling is worse for my back. Speaking of my back, it’s gotten, like, real bad in the past few days; trying not to freak out, trying not to let The Bad Thoughts grip me too hard. Ranting on the Internet while my heart palpitates from too much caffeine makes me feel a bit better, same with stuffing myself silly. Sucks that one of the few things that brings me joy in life makes me fat, forever swinging between “YAY FOOD FOOD!” and “NO NO NO EATING SUPER BAD WRONG!” But oh well, if I’m to keep looking okay in loose clothes (the best I can accomplish; no Looking Good Naked(tm) for me) I’ve no choice but to exercise constant vigilance against my own monstrous gluttony so that I do not return to looking like a monster — and sucking dry most of my emotional / willpower reserves in the process so I don’t have enough left for learning a new language or going to college or talking to girls or whatever. Oh well, nuttin’ a’tall to do but shrug and stop fighting fate and accept my ruined life, just lose myself in trivialities like anime and blogging muh feewings away until I die, the tagline on my tombstone “a giant waste of what could have been like 99.999% of all humans ever, but hey at least he didn’t die obese!”. Continue reading “riding ever onward”