“His feelings are so strong, he has trouble expressing them.”
And here I am sitting here, proving this right by trying my damnedest to pry out the swirling cauldron of sad and mad in some coherent manner. I’m trying my damnedest to not make my words come across as hurr burr burr like the retards (non-pejorative: I mean actually mentally-handicapped people) I was put with in the special education classes for 14 years — you know what screw it, I have only 45 minutes before I have to get ready and go to work so if this post is headache-inducingly clumsy because it usually takes me hours and hours to re-write and re-write so I don’t sound like a moron: deal with it.
My life has been one of keeping my mouth shut like a Good Little Boy(tm). If I really tell people how I feel about this, that, and the other, someone will call the cops on me! Or at best consider my opinions as “hate speech” or some other lame, stupid wossname — ever notice how that and “the truth” are so often one and the same? Suspicious. But anyway, so often in writing and especially in speech I truly believe I am being abundantly clear, using perfect English, blah-de-blah, only to be figuratively slapped in the face with people completely ignoring what I say, mischaracterizing my carefully-crafted message, talking over me, logical fallacies, accusing me of crap I never actually said, yadah-yadah.
Younger I egoically I thought I was just oh so much smarter than everyone around me so they were just too dumb to get it. But maybe the cold, harsh hate speech is I really am no better than what all those savage bullies in school screaming “LOL STINKY RETARD!!” at me growing up (care to guess why I’m so finicky about personal hygiene these days, as well as a major driving force in my eternal struggle-battle against obesity? bullying works!) is that, while I believe I am being perfectly coherent, to everyone else I am coming across as hurr burr burr — maybe it’s my polite and quiet tone, or I exude pheromones (or whatever) of “beta male sissy” if I don’t put up some sort of pretend-alpha douchebag display first, or both. And that’s why I can rarely get out three or four words in a group before I’m ignored, talked-over, etc. And the rare times someone’s eyes DO lock onto mine, their gaze is glazed and bored or deer-in-headlights, or both.
And then people wonder why I’m so “quiet”. Why for the most part I silently keep to myself and mind my own business, which seems to bug the crap out of people for some reason! And by “people” I mean — I don’t know what the trendy word for these kinds of people are these days: “normal” people, extroverts, neurotypicals, normies… whatever the hip word is for these people this quarter, they for whatever reason seem to be in the business of culturally-appropriating the identity of “people like me”: first geek, then gamer, then introvert, and now even /r9k/’s pet word robot is on the verge of being “stolen” and sucked-dry of all meaning. Maddox, Foamy, and John the Peregrine have made much better rants about this so I needn’t bother.
And I know I’m gonna get a lot of crap for “OMG UR SOO ELITIST UR SOOO MEEAAAN WAAH” etc. for saying how I really feel — remember the whole “keeping my big dumb mouth shut” thing? Because I hate arguing, I hate having to deal with my head being crapped on for being open and honest. I didn’t choose to be so emotional, to feel so strongly, to become so disproportionately upset at the slightest of slights and to have my anger and frustration snowball in my head into a mountain of hate within moments so I’ve learned to just swallow the crap because if I engage in the following comment copied from a Strength Camp video (I think it was called “don’t/stop be[ing] nice”; I need to get in the habit of copying the source of whatever I’ve pasted into my giant Quotes.TXT file!)…
Just sharing my opinion: Being nice is what makes you to tear someone apart.. When you’re being nice you’re swallowing all the bullshit that people give you, you nod your head and swallow it all but then what happens? It all gets build up and no matter how nice you are everything has it’s limits..so when you’re over limit you’ll bust and throw up everything that you swallowed so far and things will get ugly. It’s better to not take any bullshit, answer back how they deserve and keep your heart light and clean.
Well, decades of experience has taught me that if I do, I’m the one who will be in a world of hurt for it, I’ll be the one in trouble whereas whoever who cast the first stone at me will get away scot-free. I’ve found this to be true at school (elementary, middle, & high), the workplace, with family members, etc. This (on top of being afraid of coming across as hurr burr burr; I’m extraordinarily sensitive to being perceived as dumb, because I have trouble talking for the above reasons and more [like “what is there to talk about with whoever I’m around? we don’t share any of the same interests, etc., and a lot of my honest opinions on various subjects would make others really really mad*”], because I am “quiet”, because I am big and tall, etc., is I fully expect to be unfairly treated for it. Others can scream and holler but if I raise my voice I will be hammered down. If I stand up for myself in any situation (at work, at school, with the family) I will be the big bad guy for it. I have dozens of stupid little fights and arguments where I bit my tongue and didn’t say what I really wanted to, that are STILL cropping up every so often in my head, wanting badly to come out, from over a decade ago, because I just KNOW that I’ll come across as hurr burr burr, that I will be shouted down for standing up for myself, that I’ll metaphorically be going over the speed limit like “everyone else” yet for some reason again and again I will be the one pulled over and ticketed for it then called a whiny little whiner who whines if I don’t just shut up and take it. Because that’s what “adult” seems to mean, by how I’ve observed it being actually used in the real world: “to shut up and take it like a Good Little Boy(tm).” Well I am very, very good at being an adult, then! And I hate myself for it, hate feeling like a coward and a sissy who is scared out of his mind to express himself, to assert himself, to not wallflower for fear of feeding my inferiority- and persecution-complexes, to be yelled at for not wearing work shoes in the kitchen by a boss who himself is not wearing work shoes (this actually happened; that this kind of thing has happened so often throughout my life is why I now expect hypocrisy and arbitrary and capricious tyranny from all authority figures, why I am on guard and “let them” walk all over me and I don’t even try to fight back, I just hunker down and figuratively go “yes massuh, I wuz a bad boi massuh” no matter how wrong they are… and I feel like such a pathetic wimp for not fighting back because I just KNOW I will just put my foot in my mouth and I will get into even greater crap for opening my big dumb mouth and these kinds of things I’ve done all my life just heaps up and heaps up inside me, like that one movie with Jim Carrey about multiple-personality disorder saying “inside… where nothing grows but the anger” … am I a ticking time bomb?).
* Something else I found for my Quotes.TXT (oh hey I got the whole forum thread URL this time!) that supports this and all I can say is “yup.. yup… yup….”:
I’ve read many things here about introverts being quiet for different reasons and I can relate to all of them – because sometimes I just have nothing much to say; because the talk is superficial and I’d rather not participate on that level; because there’s a competitive edge to the conversation and I don’t want to participate in that either; because in some situations, I’d practically need to shout to be heard and I’m not a loud talker (unless it’s a topic I’m passionate about, then I can be plenty loud); because I’d be interrupted and I hate that.
But I think the biggest reason I’m quiet, the reason that keeps biting me in the a## and keeping me even more quiet (f2f anyway, I pretty much say anything online) is because 90% of the time when I say what is really on my mind about a topic, it is not accepted well. At the worst, it offends people, at the best, it’s just a controversial view that someone either wants to dismiss or belittle me for. That, I can handle though it is never pleasant. What’s worse and really effs with my head is when someone gets hurt and offended and thinks I am a total monster for saying it and hurting their feelings. I sooo do not know how to deal with that happy crap. It always makes me feel like I must be a total monster or an idiot for holding onto such obviously hurtful views. I can honestly say I try not to say things in a hurtful manner, but maybe I do and don’t realize it.
This has affected my life on so many levels and I haven’t found an effective way of dealing with it yet. Never express a differing opinion? Try to be more tactful? Just keep my mouth shut if it serves no good purpose? I pretty much know when what I’m going to say will be taken badly yet I sometimes feel this perverse need to say it anyway. It’s like I just get so sick and tired of everyone spewing the same stupid stuff over and over, stuff that makes no sense to me, stuff that keeps people in everlasting ignorance if you ask me, and I just want to come out with a totally different perspective. Just to shake things up because I’m sick and tired of hearing all the same drivel over and over and I’ll go mad if I don’t hear something else.
I know there is some truth to the statement “if everyone in your life is calling you an a-hole, you just might be an a-hole.” But I also know Nicole Kidman had a damn good reason for not wanting to go to sleep in the remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
Whelp, maybe just all that mindless venting is good for me, and it’s about time to get ready for another day of LARPing as a functional adult because jus beein’ myslef xD will get me in heaps of trouble or at best confirming “it is better to be quiet and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt” and I always feel I’m already on thin ice for being “weird” because I am quiet and prefer to keep to myself because as has happened several times at this job alone I will be ignored and talked over (I’ve literally been asked a question, and in my mid-answer the person turn away from me and start talking to another, and another time I am in mid-sentence and the other turned around and walked away — do you know how much of a piece of crap those events made me feel? how boring and uninteresting I must be? how hurr burr burr I must come across to people? and then they wonder why I’m so “quiet” and “weird”) and as I’ve experienced all my life, the “adult world” and elementary/middle/high school are very little different except “adults” are better bullies, and as one of my teachers said, “nothing is worse than being different” and he is oh so right…