“your life story” kind of…

Not quite ma’habocath’s life story — several key differences this one doesn’t want to get into — but this anonymous post still hits too close to home for comfort. It is comforting anyway, though, to know that someone, somewhere, gets what it is to be a complete screwup even if the little details don’t quite match.

Maybe autism is not the root cause of your social retardedness. You share some characteristics with autistic (or aspergers) people, but your underlying problem is probably not you was fucked up since childhood in the same way like actual autists.

Your problems likely come from your sensible and weak nature. You were a good human and likely you had a pure soul when you were young. You might have had a strong idea about what is right/wrong or morally correct but your problem is that you took Disney movie memes for real while the real world does not work like that. Your parents probably also told you all your life to be good/nice and polite and do good in school and everything else will turn out good as well. They likely told you that inner values are important and that social status and stupid trends are unimportant. They told you to not fight on the school ground and to not be a troublemaker and always follow rules or what your teachers tell you. They also wanted you to have good grades and make it into a university for your degree. So naturally because you wanted to be a good boy, you did everything what mommy and daddy told you. You studied hard to impress them or make them proud.

In elementary you probably noticed the first differences between you and your peers. They were much more adventurous than you. They made trouble just for fun. They liked fighting each other. They threw snowballs at driving cars just for fun. You on the other hand never wanted to get in trouble or in a dangerous situation. You likely also developed a noncompetitive nature because you sucked at most competitive things. This made you a very boring person from your peer’s point of view. Your fields of interest might also have been much different compared to your peers while growing up. While the others liked sports, trends and celebrities, you probably liked more intellectual things like science, literature, technology, anime or video games. You probably always felt a strange distance between you and your peers even if you were standing together and discussing your favorite tv shows during recess. Throughout middle school you never really developed in other fields than academics and your obscure hobbies. Maybe you befriended some kids but they were mostly fellow kids from your appartement complex/local playground or kids that your similar aged cousins knew. You hung out with them but you probably never felt like you really belonged to them or that they wanted you in their crew.

In junior high you probably grew up beeing bullied without ever doing any wrong to anyone. Maybe it was because your peers found you to be a suitable victim to punch around. Maybe it was because they saw your interests as childish or gay. Maybe you were the class dweeb who always scored best. Maybe it was just because they did not like your style in clothing. Overall school became an unpleasant place for you and you wanted it to end quickly. Your mental weakness and cowardice are probably the worst aspects about your personality. You proabably had a general concept about what you want to do in your life and what lifestyle you desire most. You probably knew what kind of girl you liked or maybe you even had a crush on one since 5th class. However, you were not willing to take risks and you never left your comfort zone. The alternative is that she never noticed you and instead went out with other boys from your class and therefore you gave up on her ever going out with you. You probably hate yourself until today for not telling her back then and maybe you ask yourself how your life would have developed if you told her. You feared beeing ridiculed or bullied by other people and therefore you never tried to befriend anyone. You probably even developed trust issues and find it hard to open up to strangers or even people you knew for a long time. Maybe you also started seeing other people as liabilities because their results in team projects never satisfied your own high quality standards. These characteristics probably made you never overcome your shy and introvert traits and this situation makes it even harder to correct your problems the more years passed. You just retreated to reclusive hobbies whenever school ended. You also did not have much interest in online platforms like ICQ, MSN, Netlog, Myspace or Facebook because there was nothing to post about or nobody to see you anyways.

As time passed, you grew up to be an empty shell, devoid of any emotions other than sadness or hatered towards either the world or yourself. You might have had friends at some point in your life who might have even shared your niche interests; but as time passed you aleniated yourself from them. You are not compatible with them anymore because they evolved over time while you stayed the same. They developed new interests like careers, parties and relationships, while you were too afraid to do anything other than expecting things just to happen. They don’t want a loser to drag them down so they hang out less with you and eventually you lose contact completely. You probably feel relieved at first because it was always you who had to call them and initiate a meetup. Mentally, you are still the neurotic 13 year old. Over the years you realized that you have been lied to all your life. By your parents, by television by the government, probably even by people you considered your “friends”. The world does not work like your parents told you, and that just from beeing nice and polite you will not become happy. There would likely be no happy end like in fiction. You probably also dreamt of dating a fellow minded and introverted anime/vidya enthusiast girl, but you also realized that they are very rare and that they were not looking like you imagined them from fiction.

One day you probably started to lie to yourself and claim that you need no friends nor a girlfriend right now and that you need to focus on your academics or career. You were likely good at school as you were a dweeb or intelligent. You probably learned a profession right after high school that pays well. Or maybe you even graduated from a top college and found a 6figure salary profession after getting your degree. Maybe you even failed college and became a NEET because your depressive traits sabotaged your studies. You did not really befriend anyone in college either because you were still the same neurotic 13 year old and you believed you will all part ways after graduating anyway. You probably quickly found a job after college. The sudden influx of money made you happy for some time. Finally you had the chance to fulfill all your childhood wishes. You buy all the things you wanted to have back then (manga, comics, dvd movies, anime dvds, figurines, trading cards, video games and what not) and for some time your life feels good. You have money and you have a hobby to kill time. Maybe you even decide that money is your new goal in life. You want to have half a million in assets and live the comfy life from dividend payments. Money over bitches is your new motto in life. This era of your life is usually around your early to mid 20s.

After a few more years, you see your childhood peers progressing IRL. They have a career, they married and started a family, bought their first home or they have something other to live for. You realize that you fucked up greatly and have nothing meaningful to show off. You also realized the reason why you fucked up and that there is no way of fixing your situation now. There is also no way to go back into your past and get a second try. You realize that high school or college were your best and only oppurtunities to find a group you belong to or find a romantic partner. However, your time in high school is over, probably also your college time and you failed to form meaningful relationships with people because you were either too afraid/strange or you deluded yourself with phrases like “why befriend anyone, I probably won’t see them anymore after graduating”. Or you managed to befriend someone and your bonds became severed because you slowly drifted apart. The people you work with are either much older than you or have no common interest with you and you also fail to form meaningful bonds with them as well. You don’t want them to know about your troubles and your pathetic life, so you only interact on business related things with them. You never go to have a beer or parties with them. Even if you did, you would have no idea what to do there. This leads them to believe that you are an arrogant prick who thinks he is better than everyone else. You avoid eye contact generally because it opens a window for conversation and you don’t want anyone to find out about your pathetic life.

You might have left your parent’s home a long while ago as well. Them seeing you how you waste your life away lead to conflicts. They wanted you to get out there and live because they already saw your miserable future before their eyes. You just wanted to be left alone and ignored all the warnings. You could not endure it any longer and you moved out or you were forcefully kicked out. The remaining family members have also slowly quit contact with you. You were a boring person after all and nobody wanted to hang out with a rain cloud like you. You had nothing to tell them anymore. You feel relieved about this as well when it first happens. For you, every family meetup was inevitably linked with questions like “have you married already?” or “did you find a gf already”. Every time you heard these words, you felt like a knife was rammed right in your liver and pulled around. It is embarrassing to you to be such a failure of a man so you decide it is better to not see them any more. Even if you have a desire to see them. They now probably also think you are a prick.

Looking back at your life you cannot help but think about it as a giantic waste. You were probably gifted and intelligent but you failed at the most important thing in life. You became a polite but boring and too serious person. As you were no fun, nobody wanted to befriend or date you. Your fashion style was probably as plain and boring as your personality and it didn’t help. Maybe even your suit looks shit on you. So to say, you never were young. You were already an old geezer when you were young. This might be the reason why you always got along pretty well with older people. Your romantic phantasies did not become reality and you never met your soul mate. This is actually what you regret most in your life. You also failed to experience teenage love – probably the most beautiful feeling in the world. Even if you met a woman now, you are not sure if you could attract her. The females that are left are of no interest to you because you wanted your cute, pure and proper lady with similar interests and a similar intellectual level. Used goods is what you would never take and there are not many females your age left. Even if there were, how would you meet them?

Sadness, shame and regrett have become your best compagnions in life. You started asking yourself what point there even might be with pursuing money anymore or even having a job. Yes it took away many of your worries, but it did not give you the happiness you expected. You might even think about why to carry on with life at all when it will likely never get better. You realised too late that materialistic possessions will not make you happy and that you turned into one of those anime villians who hate the world because of a fucked up childhood. You were likely interested in technology or science but your interests probably faded over the years. The entertainment you loved to consume likely also lost its magic already because you burnt through all the best shows and games already.

One day you reminisce and in retrospect you find so many clues that your life was destined to be a giantic fuckup. You were probably physically weak your entire childhood. You were probably skinnyfat, overweight, asthmatic or generally very sickly. Your eye vision was probably bad, you needed thick glasses and you never had interest in sports or fitness. Maybe you also grew up as a poorfuck or your parents were fucked up already. Your father was probably an introvert as well who never gave you lessons in becoming a man. He likely never went to drink with friends and he probably only had a hand full of friends anyway. He probably worked a dead end job himself or had a worthless college degree. Or maybe he was simply never around. Your mother was probably the man in the house and always bossed you around like her little bitch. She emasculated you from young age and never motivated you to become more like a man. She couldn’t anyway because she was your mother after all and you father failed to be a polar opposite to her. Maybe you were disgusted by her behaviour and started projecting your hatred to all the other women on the planet. Those clues lead you to the conclusion that you were a genetic experiment that failed from the beginning. Simply an evolutionary failure that never had a chance and never should have existed.

I did not write this wall of text down to laugh at you or to remind you about your painful past. I did write this down to tell you that I understand you and that you are nor alone nor at fault. I also want to ask you for one thing. If you have such a past, then it might be time for you to forgive yourself for beeing how you have been. Forgive yourself and try to carry on. There is probably nothing that you could have done better with your limited knowledge at that time. There is probably also nobody to hate. Your situation is a complex construct of various variables in your environment and many of them were likely never under your control. You were a stupid 13 year old after all and everything you believed in, turned out to be false. It will get you nowhere if you spend the rest of your life thinking about who is to blame or what could have been different. It is probably the best for you to put an end to this chapter of your life and do the best you can for your future days. Set a goal and achieve it, even if it looks very small. Become a man who is proud of himself and his achievements. Be the best possible version of yourself, all the time. Find again something that is worth to live for, maybe a new hobbie or a travel destination you always wanted to visit. Also never lose your hope of finding your soul mate eventually. Hope is the most effective opiate to humans and if you continue with your (self) hatred it will consume you completely and make you miserable forever. Just forgive yourself and carry on the best you can.

Some replies:

this is all me. a 36yo kv

>Become a man who is proud of himself and his achievements
Not gonna happen to anyone on this board. We’d be proud of ourselves if we got to fuck prime teen pussy and had a social life. Without that there is nothing to be proud of and we are all too old now to do anything significant in our lives.

>Just forgive yourself and carry on the best you can.
Easier said than done. Probably just best to understand and agree with your current situation that you are a piece of shit and will die a fucked up piece of shit loser. Rather than cling to useless “hope”

“Hope” doesn’t get anyone anywhere in life. It only brings pain

a description walking the fine line between too generic and too specific. this post removes us from our stereotypes, the symptoms of our thoughts & actions

my disagreement is at the end. i knew the opportunities that i was passing up. this was no lack of knowledge, just fear that was not overcome (for whichever reasons). i knew then as i do now what i was giving up, although now i begin to see how petty the worries were. i am still moving forward, albeit slowly

so now i wonder what steps are you, OP & all, taking to move forward? the biggest step for me was giving up videogames. i still find escapism in the internet, but not to the same degree. life doesn’t feel nearly as rich, but it will take years to undo all the other years divorced from life. it’s forced me to farther take on breathing reality

Actually, I was a little asshole. I got in fights, I KO’d the living shit out of a girl, I had friends in high school, fuck, I was pretty fucking popular. I went from alpha to beta, back to alpha. I didn’t drink or do drugs at the time, so I didn’t get invited out much. I did my best to play along, and be social, I really fucking did, but that whole proces tires you out really fucking quickly. I honestly have no clue how the fuck normies do it, they’re stronger people than I am. I tried, but never experienced teenage love, and I’m still a KV, I’m not trying to convince myself that I’m better off alone. But, I’m sure that I got dealt a particularly shitty hand in this regard, now, I’m not particularly attractive, I’d rate myself a 6/10 in the very best of conditions, but I’ve seen fucking uglier, dumber, and more autistic than me get laid. Half of them got approached by girls. Regarding friends, I have a group of autists to play vidya and talk about anime with, whom I’ve known since grade school, honestly, some of the people you’d least expect. A dude that works on a fishing barge, hunting sharks and other deadly sea critters is the biggest weeb I know.

Would I trade this for a normie life? 100% Truthfully?

I don’t think I would. I actually enjoy being able to have time for myself. Would I want a romantic relationship? Of course, but we’ll see what happens, and if it’s nothing, I guess I just had shit luck and could’ve probably tried a bit harder.

Very good explanation, anon. Perhaps I could at least contribute, on behalf of those afraid of typing here due to being “different” from other robots.

Some (you) have ambitions from the aforementioned ideals that were imprinted from a young age. Others may have been indoctrinated by workaholic parents at birth. Unlike most, you knew what you wanted and spent your days thinking about it. Whether it be a successful businessman, doctor, soldier, cowboy-astronaut, or any other respectable profession, you fixate on this dream. Knowing nothing else, you
disregard common pleasures to help make it happen. Every week is a sentence that keeps you away from it. Every hobby and interest that doesn’t pertain to it in some way. The lack of social contact, regardless of consent, devotes you of any socially acceptable personality.

Eventually, you may have a taste towards the profession, your peers are alienated by your adamant work ethic. Massive stress to exceed keeps you up at night. To combat stress, you take up hobbies that you never thought possible. You lose your savings that you once so previously raised just to feel a little less wired.

Your sense of loss from the journey leads you to seek companionship and/or love from places you would never expect. You expose yourself to social situations, enduring failure after failure for that sparse phyrric victory over the crippling anxiety/depression. You make compromises and develop feelings towards people who likely don’t feel anything remotely similar, because…you learn over the years, with the scarcity of people like yourself, you may as well be alone otherwise.

[reply to above post] very accurate

>businessman, doctor, soldier, cowboy-astronaut, or any other respectable profession, you fixate on this dream
since young age my dream was to make it through university and become someone with a good income like my parents told me. I always did what they told me and I pretty much never had my own will. Of course you cannot expect them to make decissions for you until eternity.

I was always very serious about my career dreams and over the course of my life I forgot how to have fun.

>steps to move forward
In the last few weeks I came to understand myself and my situation better. I realized my mistakes in the past and I came to the conclusion that my hatred will not get me anywhere. I decided to seek ways to become happy and start new hobbies eventually. I always wanted to go diving in a tropic region. I always wanted to visit Japan and Hong Kong. Since my teenage years I dreamt of becoming a martial arts master like jackie chan.

What I want to say is that even if you are down and see no future for yourself, there are better things to do than wallow in self pity or hate the world. If you have a positive attitude, people will feel it and they will be more likely to find you adorable.

I am OP btw and I am glad you people liked the post, I expected to be laughed at

I definitely see traces of myself in there, I’ve always been able to either rationalize or laugh away most of the stupid things I’ve done, even failing with girls, but the mentally weak/coward part of me is such a pain to deal with and hard to overcome.

Pretty accurate until college, except I do have autism, which basically amplifies all these flaws (rigid thinking, averse to taking risks) a hundredfold. I was truly fucked up since childhood, but I also had the kind of upbringing described.

Contrary to my entire personality, in my college years, I took an enormous gamble. I won’t say what it was, because I don’t like to think about it, but if it had worked, I would have had an out of this miserable life and probably would have been able to go on normally from then on. Needless to say, it backfired horribly and did the exact opposite. I failed to take into account that I am not mentally normal. The gamble would have made sense and could have succeeded if I weren’t a super autist, but I am what I am, which I didn’t accept at the time.

Aside from that, yeah, it fits. I was raised by my mother and my grandmother. I was taught to always be nice and polite and to never rock the boat. My interests lie between niche and “I didn’t even know somebody could be interested in that”. I never really had friends. When I was 14, the only one who came for my birthday was a teacher I liked. I invited a teacher to my birthday. My adolescence was completely devoid of any experimentation; the first time I drank alcohol I was 22, in a country where it is legal at 18. The first time I smoked weed I was 23, cigarette, 24. When people my age were getting drunk or high and fucking, I was doing some shit like memorizing data on geographic or demographic features. Data is comforting to me in a way that people aren’t, because I can always understand data, but I feel like I’ll never understand people. I always felt like an old man in a young guy’s body. I always felt like I didn’t belong here, but at least I had the benefit of knowing why.

I know it’s not my fault. I had like a 95% chance of ending up where I am now, and part of me always knew it. I’m just not made for Earth. So the best I can do is to try to make my way with the tools I’ve been given. I have only one goal – to quit the normie society. I don’t know in which form that will happen, whether I’ll go Kaczynski, full tier or lite tier with some tech allowed to make my life easier, or attempt a no money lifestyle. If I can do that, then I’ll be proud of myself when I die. I feel like this is the only thing that would make me happy. If I had access to a button that would allow me to wipe out mankind overnight while leaving the planet and the infrastructure intact, I would press it without hesitation and live as the last man on Earth.

But I still feel like shit about it. I wish I were normal and that I didn’t have to go to extremes just to taste some ersatz of happiness that probably isn’t even comparable to the feel of having a girl you love in your arms or having children.


Author: ma'habocath

ma'habocath knows some, tells much. ma'habocath knows few things others do. This one is a live-alone, full-time burger-flipper with an odd mind and too much to say. ma'hab always tries the best ma'hab can to keep up: • Chores • Bodybuilding and other health-nuttery • Japanese language studies • Culinary experimentation (see “other health-nuttery”) • Exploration of newfound spiritual territory • Exploration of my Self • Figuring out how to socialize well enough, mostly face-to-face • Backlogs: books, heavy metal, anime • Blogging, chatting, texting, and talking to whomever will listen about all of the above

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