obesity is ma’hab’s constant companion

Expanding upon a prior post about popcorn

ma’habocath, after at least 20 years of obesity (at least half morbidly so) struggles with the urge to binge-eat. So nowadays popcorn (plain & hot-air-popped, neither pre-made nor pre-buttered) is his go-to when it’s One Of Those Days when he is irresistibly craving to stuff himself silly, often ’til his guts hurt.

250-750 calories of complex carbs and fiber is oh so much better for health and well-being than 2,000-10,000 kcal* of artificial sugars and other macro-/micro-nutrients, preservatives, hydrogenated oils/trans-fats, and so on like most things deep-fried, in ice cream, and from a Chinese buffet and Taco Bell. (ma’hab’s three chief weaknesses, five years later to the beginning of his journey up the path of the Health & Fitness Lifestyle.)

* Not an exaggeration; how else could anyone stay over 375 lbs for years and years? It is a miracle ma’hab has not become diabetic or died of heart failure, considering too that such horrors run in his family, from both sides.

The following is but one of many screeds, born of intense depression and/or frustration with himself, that ma’habocath has exploded upon forums and boards like /fit/, /r9k/, and S4H following a binge and the resultant guilt and self-hatred:

>at grocery store after pre-scheduled weekly cheat meal
>spot my cutting weakness: ice cream
>flavor: peanut butter s’mores
>even though I was plenty full, I was still in lardlord crave-mode from Buffalo Wild Wings (which I had already adjusted my calorie budget to account for)
>take 1,850 kcal tub home with me and devour to the point of belly-burst
>try to tell myself it’s no big deal, but my crime slowly sank in
>feel beyond terrible about it
>feel weak and hate myself for giving in to temptation
>bike about 7 hours over next two days for calorie burn
>eat less than half my pre-planned calories each of those days, probably getting less than 100g protein each day
>my self-punishment for acting like such a fatty mcfatfuck only makes me feel worse
>feel so self-hating and defeatist, on top of cardio overload and food underload and my general bad mood for the past three months thinking about unrelated shit like how I wasted my life and my youth on stupid shit like video games and how it’s too late to know teen love or ever escape poverty etc. etc., all together trigger an emotional meltdown
>sleep maybe 1-2 hours a night the next three nights
>can barely do my job after my weekend, everyone asking if I’m sick, why I look and sound like I’ve been crying, and so on
>apartment in disarray because I did absolutely no chores during my weekend, was too severely depressed to do anything but shitpost for 8 hours straight like I did when I was an obese NEET
>suicidal thoughts I hadn’t wrestled with for a long time returned and I almost listened this time
>felt roughly the same for an entire week, up until yesterday where out of nowhere something clicked and I felt all better
>no longer super-depressed or suicidal thanks to last week’s binge of a half-gallon of ice cream on top of a belly full of spicy wings and nachos
>still too lazy to really do that many chores
>this week’s pre-scheduled cheat meal was replaced by two small bowls of frozen red velvet frozen yogurt, a packet of Cheez-Its, and a packet of Nutter Butters
>I will definitely be enjoying that local sushi bar next Tuesday, though

I’m so terrified of going back to my old vidya-addicted hamplanet self that I flip the fuck out when I go off the dietary rails and can’t resist the cravings for my old favorite foods. As if the fact that I’ll never look good naked no matter how much I lift — even if I got my body-fat percent to the single-digits — wasn’t enough punishment for spending almost my whole life as a computer- and tendie-addicted fatasaurus. Never gonna make it, but at least I can work my ass off to avoid backsliding to the point where I’m one slice of pizza away from a heart attack.

Thank God for God ma’habocath is since flowing through much greater self-acceptance and far less anxiety about nutritionexercise, solitude, and his oft-embarrassing levels of inanity and “geekiness/nerdiness“, among other topics.


Author: ma'habocath

ma'habocath knows some, tells much. ma'habocath knows few things others do. This one is a live-alone, full-time burger-flipper with an odd mind and too much to say. ma'hab always tries the best ma'hab can to keep up: • Chores • Bodybuilding and other health-nuttery • Japanese language studies • Culinary experimentation (see “other health-nuttery”) • Exploration of newfound spiritual territory • Exploration of my Self • Figuring out how to socialize well enough, mostly face-to-face • Backlogs: books, heavy metal, anime • Blogging, chatting, texting, and talking to whomever will listen about all of the above

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