This one wasted much life worrying, “Who am I? What am I? What should I do?”
ma’habocath likes to think he is now unworried about such silliness. At least, when he is not in a foul mood, usually due to a long bout of insomnia and/or back ache (sometimes coupled with “people problems” or dealing with doctors and medical insurance companies, two other major temper-triggers) when such nasty thoughts cloud his mind.
But for the most part he has gleefully accepted he has no face, only masks he wears (rarely only one) when and where convenient, useful, interesting, entertaining, or what-have-you. Except there is Nothing (as the Hindus conceptualize) behind them.
To explain by analogy, it is like having several usernames on the Internet, across forums and chatrooms: on YouTube and Facebook, on Skype and Disqus, on any given IRC network & channel and 8ch (for “Anonymous” is still a user). And having a different name & “personality” (i.e., roleplaying like in Dungeons & Dragons) on different sites.
Except unlike all the above, there is no one “flesh-and-blood human being behind them all”, except perhaps…
It feels good to play pretend, online and off.
There is a related StrengthCamp video, about “the Elliot of this video is ‘different’ from the Hulse of that” but ma’hab cannot find it else he’d share it here.