Through suffering I once again find God!
(Week-long battle with insomnia, resulting in worst stomach bug of my life. And the last two days I’ve still worked, surrounded by a dozen loud cooking apparatus and all the sights and smells, all the greasy foods…)
I haven’t been “blissful” for at least two weeks; I now feel what I can only describe as “normal” or “natural”, not constantly bleak and hurting within.
Feels like God was reinstalling my “emotional engines”, and now that the “upgrade” is complete, I’m being stress-tested to see how well I hold up.
I can tell you that normally I’d be spiraling down a dark hellhole into suicidal urges by now, and well, I can say that it sucks to be this sick but it’s not making me feel like taking shotgun mouthwash to stop the pain.
There must be a reason God flicked a switch and made me apparently much tougher.
Perhaps something big and bad is on the way that I would not have been able to handle otherwise. For the LORD would not burden any soul with more than it can bear, so now my soul is made of sterner stuff to be ready. God wouldn’t dish it if I couldn’t take it.
Or a less pessimistic, more egotistical ass-pull:
Now that I seemingly am at the “normal human being” levels of stress-handling, instead of taking it for granted I ought stay humble and thankful for the gift I have been given and use my newfound mental fortitude for helping others, somehow.
And the one who needs my help the most right now?
That’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention:
Not just insomnia, but in addition to the “capstone” of horrible illness:
• Tweaked my back about a week and a half ago, lifting boxes all stupid. Still feeling bad, but I imagine not nearly as bad had I broken the rotisserie chain, still intact since the beginning of last November.
• The ligaments in my elbows feeling painful, probably from all the weighted side-bridges and all. I’ve since went unweighted and it feels like I’m working myself well enough without risking joint injury.
• The ligaments in my knees feeling painful when I push down on the pedals too hard. So all uphill climbs for about a week now I’ve just walked. I guess this saves stress on my chain as well as my knees.
So all-in-all, for more than a week straight I’ve been in a world of hurt.
And I definitely feel it all scattering against me like waves upon a rock. And with my newfound “divine connection” the rocks may shake but they have yet to shatter like they would have so easily before.
This must be how “not-depressed” or “emotionally-healthy” people feel all the time. A shame it took me over 31 years to know what it’s like to not want to gouge a stranger’s eyeballs out because I took offense at the tone of their voice, topped with great expenditure of self-control stopping myself from doing just that, that itself topped with great shame at such an embarrassing urge and double-shame at the need to exhaust myself by stopping myself, repeat until emotional reserves are gone and replaced by bleak depression at feeling like failure of a human being all because of a tiny trigger.
Nowadays I feel “free” to express anger without fear of being hauled off to jail soon afterwards. Very liberating to snap at people who irritate me right then and there without “having” to bottle it up as I have done my whole life.
I’d better not let it go to my head, for I am still weak and fall short of the glory of God.